Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
