I want to stick my p in your. b.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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