you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
