I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
