I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
