He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Is it because I queefed?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
