I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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