i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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