Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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