watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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