Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
