if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Randomize
