I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We need to feng shui this bitch.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
