Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
