Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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