someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Buhtt sex?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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