this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
