Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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