I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
