I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
