Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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