i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
