the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
