glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
