So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
