In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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