So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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