why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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