If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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