Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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