the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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