I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Randomize
