kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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