Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
