dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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