That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
