The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
