I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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