In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
