All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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