I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
sex in a hospital.. check
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
