i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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