Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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