vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
