so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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