You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize