I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
