Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
