saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
