$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
