About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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