Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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