I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
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