i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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