I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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