people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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