why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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