Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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