Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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