Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Randomize
